It was nearly been three months since I made three of the biggest, hardest and scariest decisions of my life. Now that things have settled a bit, reality is slowly creeping up on me...that
alot has changed and perhaps I didn't really have the time to grieve some situations.
I internalize everything, I bottle up all my emotions inside and I stress. Some days I cracked, like my crying sessions on the way to work and once at work(that was embarrassing) and bursting into tears when I would hear a certain song.
I didn't have time to deal with what was going on, I was starting a new job (leaving one I loved, but I saw no future with at the time), buying a house(confusing, stressful and expensive...I thank the heavens that I had my parents to guide me) and moving out of a abusive and negative situation. I lived in a fog, I accepted unhappiness as my reality and the possibility of having anything better was lost to me.
Now that I have cut loose those ties that were holding me down, I still have to sometimes fight away feelings of not being worth while. I have to accept compliments, without questioning if there is any underlying motive. I have to see that like everyone I'm flawed and not to be discouraged, that healing takes time. To have patience for those who I feel have pulled away from me, let whatever is meant to happen in the hands of the universe.
Be open to whatever may come and be happy with all that I have been blessed with so far. I'm truly lucky and things will fall into place.
I used to stress about not being at the same place as my friends; I wasn't married, I wasn't pregnant nor did I have kids. I still don't have any of these things, but these elements do not define my self worth and I have to start realizing that the universe has a plan for me.
I do not need a man in my life to be a mother, I told myself that if I do not find the right guy I would do this regardless. There are amazing single mothers out there, many who do so by choice. I would be open and honest with my child, I would make sure there would be positive male influences in their lives.
Of course this would be hard, not only financially but also on me as an individual. But if you want something badly, if you work at it...things will work themselves out. Going to try and convince my mom to move in and be my permanent baby sitter
lol.
Right now it is time to work on the current. Health, my home, friends, spirituality and work.
Blessed be
